Posted by Asmi on January 9th, 2010
I wake up with your voice fading in background, saying you’ll be back again. It’s really hard to live everyday knowing you won’t ever be with me again. Am I special because I got to love you and be loved by you? Or am I unlucky to have lost something as amazing and unique as you?
I can still feel your lips pressed against mine, your words still linger in my heart. You showed me what love is, you taught me how to smile and really mean it. You made me feel beautiful everyday even when I looked nothing close to it. Every time you held my hand, I swear, I felt like nothing could ever harm me; you made me feel safe. You still live in my memory. I still feel you around. It’s amazing how you transformed me into this person I don’t find hurtful anymore. In your own way you made me forgive myself for the mistakes I had made and hurt so many including myself. I could’ve never done that without you. And ever since you left me, I feel like… I’m changing back into the person I was before you came into my life. The person who only pretended. The person who I couldn’t stand looking at in the mirror. I have no desire to look beautiful anymore. Why should I? You’re not here to see it. You’re not here to appreciate it. And I sure as hell don’t want to look pretty for someone else…
I cry every night. I hold myself tight wishing it was you. I always heart, read or saw in movies the description of heartache and found very untrue. Now I really know that nothing is untrue. I know how exactly it feels when something, a thought, a past moment pierces through your heart. I know the pain, and it really, really hurts. Sometimes it makes it hard to breathe… that’s when I wish for you to be near me ‘cause I really am afraid to die alone. But I guess I have to accept the fact that I will die alone, even if my family, my friends, my loved ones are close to me. You will never be there.
I’m not surprised you don’t exist. I always knew in the back of my head that you’re not real. That may be the reason why you’re so amazing and perfect. Because perfection doesn’t exist. And neither do you. And more than anything, I don’t think I deserve perfection, or even if I did deserve it, my luck wouldn’t let it come to me. But I don’t think I regret anything. I am proud to say I loved the best, the most amazing, perfect, understanding, sweet boy in the world. I wouldn’t change anything about you. You’re my sweetheart. I feel these butterflies in my stomach right now as I type about how amazing you are, it’s so silly, it’s the feeling a little girl gets when her crush smiles at her or says hi. I could go on for days talking about you. I love you so much and it still keeps growing every day. I really can’t stop loving you. I wish I could but I can’t. So I’m going to hold you close to my heart. Forever. I don’t ever want to let go of you. I don’t care for the lies. All I care about is you. I love you my love.
(some random writing.)